The right words can help you express your own view
without upsetting others.
Some people believe that to
be nice, you have to agree
with everybody. That is
not true. It is alright to
disagree when you need
to. But, as far as possible, do it
kindly and politely.
For instance, imagine that you have a group presentation coming up in class. Group member Sonia insists that your group must sing a song. You hate singing. You know that none of your group members sing well anyway. You believe your group would score more marks by performing a skit. What should you say?
Stay calm. First, pause to think. Then, speak only when you are ready. If you blurt out whatever comes to your mind, you may say words that you later regret saying. And so, it is better to be slow to speak than to rush.
Be strategic. Do what you can to make it a pleasant conversation. If it is noisy where you are, point this out and suggest moving to a quieter area. Walking has a relaxing effect. And, it gives you time to choose your next words. When you get there, sitting down can help.
Avoid verbal wars. To disagree, there is no need to be rude. Making comments like "that's so stupid" doesn't help. Don't use hurtful words. Blatant statements like "I'm right and you're wrong" sound as though you want to fight. Also, by upsetting the other person, he will be less likely to listen properly to you.
Pave the way. You want to be heard and understood. For that to happen, you should prepare your listeners. First, hint that you may differ. To Sonia, you could say, "Well, that's one option. We have other choices." You can soften your sentences by starting with words like "well, actually…" and "yes, but…". With close friends, it is alright to be direct and say, "I see what you mean. But, I disagree." With others, you may want to add a mild apology by, for instance, saying, "I'm sorry but I have a different view."
Speak plainly. In our example, what if Sonia stubbornly claims that only singing is allowed? You know that is not true. Your group needs to decide quickly. Hence, you have to directly and firmly disagree with Sonia. Even then, you can be polite by saying, "Excuse me for saying so but, Sonia, you're wrong."
Build goodwill. Last month, we shared a formula for disagreeing. Try it: start by affirming, then express your view, and end off positive. And so, before disagreeing with Sonia, you might affirm her with a sentence such as: "Sonia, I like your enthusiasm." Then, after disagreeing, you could add: "I'm sure we'll do well."
Agree to disagree. There may be times when people are not able to agree no matter how hard they try. Should that happen to you, accept the stalemate and say, "Let's at least agree to disagree for now." Then, move on to something else.
These tips are good to use in ordinary, day-to-day conversations. But, if you are ever in danger of being harmed, then forget about being kind and polite – protect yourself by saying a loud and clear "No!" to anything or anyone who might harm you. In most other situations, knowing how to disagree kindly and politely can keep your relationships alive and well.
- MARY GEORGE
For instance, imagine that you have a group presentation coming up in class. Group member Sonia insists that your group must sing a song. You hate singing. You know that none of your group members sing well anyway. You believe your group would score more marks by performing a skit. What should you say?
Stay calm. First, pause to think. Then, speak only when you are ready. If you blurt out whatever comes to your mind, you may say words that you later regret saying. And so, it is better to be slow to speak than to rush.
Be strategic. Do what you can to make it a pleasant conversation. If it is noisy where you are, point this out and suggest moving to a quieter area. Walking has a relaxing effect. And, it gives you time to choose your next words. When you get there, sitting down can help.
Avoid verbal wars. To disagree, there is no need to be rude. Making comments like "that's so stupid" doesn't help. Don't use hurtful words. Blatant statements like "I'm right and you're wrong" sound as though you want to fight. Also, by upsetting the other person, he will be less likely to listen properly to you.
Pave the way. You want to be heard and understood. For that to happen, you should prepare your listeners. First, hint that you may differ. To Sonia, you could say, "Well, that's one option. We have other choices." You can soften your sentences by starting with words like "well, actually…" and "yes, but…". With close friends, it is alright to be direct and say, "I see what you mean. But, I disagree." With others, you may want to add a mild apology by, for instance, saying, "I'm sorry but I have a different view."
Speak plainly. In our example, what if Sonia stubbornly claims that only singing is allowed? You know that is not true. Your group needs to decide quickly. Hence, you have to directly and firmly disagree with Sonia. Even then, you can be polite by saying, "Excuse me for saying so but, Sonia, you're wrong."
Build goodwill. Last month, we shared a formula for disagreeing. Try it: start by affirming, then express your view, and end off positive. And so, before disagreeing with Sonia, you might affirm her with a sentence such as: "Sonia, I like your enthusiasm." Then, after disagreeing, you could add: "I'm sure we'll do well."
Agree to disagree. There may be times when people are not able to agree no matter how hard they try. Should that happen to you, accept the stalemate and say, "Let's at least agree to disagree for now." Then, move on to something else.
These tips are good to use in ordinary, day-to-day conversations. But, if you are ever in danger of being harmed, then forget about being kind and polite – protect yourself by saying a loud and clear "No!" to anything or anyone who might harm you. In most other situations, knowing how to disagree kindly and politely can keep your relationships alive and well.
- MARY GEORGE
